Bachelor Party Tubing Excursion...

West Lake.  Davenport, Iowa.  COLD FRIGGIN WATER!!!!

Here's a crap ton of pictures of the day for you to enjoy!

Oh Baby Buttface likes the Sauce!!!

They tried to drown Baby Buttface...good thing I float!And Bryan came to the rescue!

One big happy family...SHOCKER!!!

Elijah, the only other one besides us in the water today...The only other one besides us with BALLS!  Elijah, you're my new hero!

Oh GOD!  Baby Buttface uh...uh...Baby Tripped and fell while simultaneously falling asleep and landing in this position!  There's NO other explanation for what you see here!  NONE!!  (can't you just see this one resurfacing when Baby Buttface runs for President?!)

Baby Buttface Needs NO TUBE!!!!  Baby Buttface is BUOYANT!!

Okay, I've saved this one for last!  This incredibly insensitive ass of a life guard wouldn't post willingly with Baby Buttface!  You don't neglect me! (c'mon, i was abandoned in early life!)  Especially when Baby's had consumption of alcoolholic beverages.  I went up and asked if this guy would pose in a picture with me for the memories and he said, with a lame attempt at being stern, "I can't, I have to guard."  Heck, you could see the smile trying to force its way out of his face for chrissakes!  He just wanted to come off like a badass.  Well guess what, Douchy McDouchnozzle?  You're a crappy lifeguard at a crappy lake where no one swims when its freezing-cold water except for those who are...what's that?  oh yeah...BADf-ingASS!!  Like Baby Buttface and his Posse!  You're getting your picture taken with Baby if you like it or not!  So SUCK IT!        Baby OUT!

Welcome Back...It's been a while.

Blog date: August 28, 2009

    Well, my friends, that's how I've been doing.  It's been a couple weeks since I was born and, likewise, very busy and stressful.  I mean, running the last details down for a wedding almost makes me want to hang myself, slit my throat, and cut off my third nipple.  But then I take a step back, breathe, listen to some Andrew Johnson tell me I don't want to eat any of those...fat-a-nin' foets in his sexy scottish accent.  This usually opens my eyes enough to see that all I have to do is sit back and watch Karla and Adhamh do all the work.  I'm a fricken Baby for chrisakes!  It's not my wedding.  Sucks for those two!

However, that's not until another two weeks.  Tonight was another matter entirely.  Tonight, I'm told that before every man goes through the ritual castration of marriage, he must first prepare himself for the one-woman-for-the-rest-of-your-days thing by cramming in as much debauchery and unholy sexist exploitation of females as humanly possible.  All while heavily under the influence of alcohol...and what an influence it has!  I was all game for this and signed up without hesitation.  This "bachelor party" thing may just become my new profession.

Then on the other hand, we have what Adhamh and his friends did doing tonight:

Adhamh started out letting me drive.  He had to operate the foot pedals because Baby Buttface is just a wittle guy!

Upon arriving at our first stop, the restaurant, we were instantly bombarded by girls.  I thought this incredibly fascinating given the establishment was a fine Family dining experience. Boy, do I want to be apart of this family!  And of course, they all took a liking to me right away.  I mean, how could you not!

Cue sexy photoshoot:

I hadn't even gotten any beer in me yet and already this girl was ALL OVER ME!  Wow, maybe I don't need alcohol to be smooth me out and make me awesome!  Maybe I don't need alcohol to have a good time!  Or maybe that's just a load of crap and Baby Buttface needs to get his drink on!

Man that was a great view from there!  But also from that point of view, I noticed that although she was keeping me from getting a sip of my tasty beverage, there was something peculiar about her.  Every once in a while, she'd go back inside from the deck and change her name tag.  My new friend Victoria would come out as Ashley.

And that's when she came out as BOTH!  As I understand it, she suffers from a common disorder known as...what did they call it? Oh Twins.  It sounds horrible but I'm still not convinced she didn't just go inside and multiply herself so there'd be four "hooters" I could play with.

But my confusion was quickly averted as more of them started piling out of my new favorite eatery.

Laken, whatever kind of name that is, was my hero!  She instantly noticed how tired I was getting and provided just the right pillows for me to lay my head.  Such a sweet girl!  I'm convinced we had something special.  Little did she know though, that Baby Buttface cannot be tied down for long (unless that's part of the game) and directed attention to both ladies at once.  I'm sorry Adhamh, this may quickly turn out to be BABY'S night instead!

After that kiss, I was sold!  This girl was the love of my life!  I mean, she'll be placed in a good spot of what will become a long list of ladies with that distinction.

I was so taken with Laken, actually, that I grabbed the camera and did a little photoshoot myself.  Because let's face it, ladies love Baby Buttface, but they also love a Baby Photographer!

Yeah, smile at me my dear...Baby Buttface likes. 

Of course they all had to join in.  No one can resist having their soul stolen through the lens of Baby Buttface's camera. 

AshVictoLeyria, or whatever she/they decides to call herself/themselves, did impress me with her ability to hoolahoop, pour my beer, and stand on a bar stool all at the same time. 

But not nearly impressive enough as Adhamh finding his feminine side after a few beers.  Letting the girls put make-up on him while trying to completely immasculate whatever he had left in front of the whole place.  The girls seemed to thrive on this sort of humiliation.  Adhamh is either gay or a genius.  I haven't figured it out yet; he will require more study.  I can only say that I hope Karla knows what she's marrying in a few weeks!!

And of course, the party didn't stop there.  Afterward we drank ourselves silly and Baby Buttface experienced the wonderful life of strip clubs!  Cameras weren't allowed inside there unfortunately.  And try looking cute and babyrific to a bouncer in hopes of letting the rules bend "this one time."  My charm, for now, only seems to work with the ladies.  But, that's all for now.  Baby Buttface will do another post on what happened the next day of the Bachelor Party soon.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got...

It all started yesterday. Baby Buttface opened the eyes of wonderment as the first steps into the world were made. But first...a little history lesson!

My first blog posting is a culmination of minds that sprung up when I was abandoned at a wedding shower by what I can only assume is my mother. And don't even ask about a father...if he exists at all! I was literally dumped out of a bag as some sort of sick party game for the amusement of a crowd. Then, just as quickly as I was torn from my mother's "loving" arms...THEY came in my life.

A nice young lady by the name of Karla and her soon-to-be husband, Adhamh (pronounced like Adam only spelled way cooler) picked me up from behind where else; a basement bar.

They mentioned they were heading to another fine establishment to finish up a World Beer Tour minitour and invited me along. So I guess you can say that Karla and Adhamh are my newly adopted...family. Okay okay, enough mushy stuff. We'll just leave it at friends for now. Lord knows I don't want to attach myself to another person only to be abandoned again. Life is cruel like that. But hey...good friends and good beer is always how I'd like to spend my nights before a long drive.

So here we are at Old Chicago in Bettendorf, Iowa of all places. Getting ready to get our drink on! Karla and Adhamh bought me my first two rounds to celebrate our meeting.

Mmmmmmmm, Leinenkugel's Honeyweiss!!!

Karla and Adhamh soon found out that Baby Buttface's own weight in alcohol is no match for...Baby Buttface! And that Baby Buttface begins to talk in the 3rd-person when Baby gets tipsy.

AND that Baby Buttface is a CHAMP!!

Round TWO! FIGHT!!

Round Two seemed to de-evolve Baby Buttface back to an almost invertebrate state of being. It's the only reason Baby can think of as to why both legs were immorphous and wobbly. They couldn't hold Baby's weight anymore. Peculiar!

But ah, the loss of some motor functions were all too worth the fresh, smooth taste of Leinie's Sunset Wheat! Baby Buttface could have drown in it last night and not felt regret for only living a few hours in this world.

Luckily, our too-cool awesome waitress, JEN, stopped by just in time to order the next rounds! She even took Baby Buttface for a ride in her apron. However, Baby had other things on the agenda...

As the night was winding down, Baby Buttface discovered that being absolutely shit-faced results in certain side effects including, but not limited to,

a Glowing Head!

Baby Buttface shall dub this strange and scientifically rare phenomena, Glow Worm Syndrome (or GWS).

Somewhere in the drunken stupor, Baby recalls Karla adding her two cents in when she cautioningly claimed,

"Baby Buttface, you really like Hittin' the Sauce!"

Baby Buttface also has a habit of taking things a little too literally when under the influence...

After cleaning up...Karla, Adhamh, and Baby Buttface drove off into the night to a magical land they called Lafayette, Indiana. Being four hours away from Baby's birthplace really opened my eyes to see that the world is much bigger than I thought. Karla and Adhamh called this place a temporary home. And for the time being, I will too.

Until I decide to explore the rest of what this new world has to offer. I think I've got the itch now. So, stepping back to the beginning of my point in all this...

I'll be taking my first steps out the door soon to see what there is to see and do what there is to do and drink what there is to drink!! Look here in the near future as Baby Buttface Takes On The World!!!